Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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