I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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