He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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