and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
