I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
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We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Randomize