we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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