It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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