Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
