apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Randomize
