so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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