need another drink. this is the easiest way
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
