Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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