I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
