K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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