I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
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