Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
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I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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