you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
