I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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