What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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