have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
