when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
