Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
