I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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