Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
