I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
