Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
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you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
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i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
lol hangovers are for mortals.
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