and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
