At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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