I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
