He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
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It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
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My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
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