did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
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They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
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If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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