I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
