Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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