Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
