I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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