I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Randomize
