one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
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So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
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I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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