did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
