I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Randomize
