There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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