508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Drunk is not a location!
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
