On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
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