I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
She seriously needs to find another hobby other than bouncing on cock.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
