Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
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