On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
You smell like a Billy Joel song
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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