pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
