well I can't set my house on fire every night
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
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