My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
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