Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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