Life is so much better after having sex.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
