my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He kissed a someone with a penis
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Randomize
