So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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