I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
