I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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