So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
