At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
