Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
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Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
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My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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